


Skillful Wooing

by Goodknight (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-28
Updated: 2012-04-28
Packaged: 2017-11-04 10:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Goodknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nine year old Dirk knows he's in love with his big brother's boyfriend, Karkat, and he'll do anything to make sure they end up together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skillful Wooing

**Author's Note:**

> Lovely prompt from batmansleftnipple.tumblr.com:  
> i really need to see a fic where dirk is like 12 years old and dave and karkat are in a committed relationship but dirk has a huge crush on karkat and keeps trying to win him over by 12 year old means (like giving him bugs in a jar, finding pretty rocks for him, or whatever they do idk I don’t really remember what it was like to be 12 it was five years ago @A@) and he tries to break them up by telling karkat embarrassing stories of dave

Karkat always insisted on using what he called the "real cutlery" every time Dave's little brother stayed with them.

  
Dirk, his hands folded neatly on the table, knew this meant Karkat might love him. He wasn't stupid, he could see that his bother and the pissy alien were together (together  together) but he also knew people broke up. Because he wasn't stupid. Once, in 3rd grade, his friend had been dating this girl and then broke up with her 2 hours later for someone else. Dirk was holding out for something like that.

  
"Pass the butter, little dude." Dave asked from the head of the table, where he was discreetly playing footsie with his boyfriend.

  
Dirk passed the butter to Karkat so he could pass it to Dave, lunging his arm out a little too agressively to brush his fingers against the troll's grey skin.

  
"Can you pretend to have table manners for one fucking second." Karkat snapped at him. Dirk blushed and Dave rose an almost invisible eyebrow, peering over his glasses at his bro.

  
"No you!" The younger Strider retorted. With the way he talked to Karkat, it would be near impossible to guess that he was, in fact, an eloquent and rather formidable speaker and lyricist. One time, when he had been watching a movie wih Karkat (right beside him) the protaganist had said that being around someone you loved often enticed stuttering, awkward behaviour, and heart palpitations. Dirk happened to know a lot about heart palpitations. He was going to die from love for Karkat.

  
"Hey Karkat." Dirk called after Dave finally finished questioning him about school (Dave's hand had moved to cover Karkat's sometime during the interview). "Once Dave came home drunk and pissed on the couch. And then he sang a song about it." Dirk smirked, leaning back in his chair.

  
Karkat almost choked on his drink, dark eyebrows hitching dramatically. "What about eating dinner compelled you to tell me that." He growled. Dave patted him lightly on the back and then put his hand right back where it had been.

  
"Not cool, man."

\--------

The rest of dinner passed uneventfully, more or less, save several accounts of Dirk being caught staring avidly at the side of his brother's boyfriend's face.

  


Afterwards, when questions of possible activities were raised, Dave suggested they go to the club and Karkat suggested Dave bath in acid. They settled on a compromise: the park.

  
Dirk leant seductively against the wall, almost slipping on the tile in his socks, and announced that he had grown out of parks. He wasn't 8 anymore, dammit. The people at school still liked parks, not that he gave a damn what they did, but he had a reputation to uphold. Sometimes an awesome t-shirt design and really ironic shades weren't enough.

  
"I'm too cool for the slide, bro."

  
Dave instantly agreed, remarking again that a club would be a great place to be after eating and proving effectively that he wasn't very good at looking after kids.  
Karkat rolled his eyes. "We're going to the fucking park, where we will all torture ourselves with the joy of small chips of wood becoming lodged under our fingernails and neither of you will complain about it. If I am being made to accompany you shitmongers somewhere, let it at least be within escaping distance of the house."  
Dirk nodded immediately, looking deeply into Karkat's eyes for about half a second until the older man looked away, and then tried to catch eye contact again the entire walk there.

  
Upon arrival, there was some standing around while Dave and Karkat wondered loudly what the hell you were supposed to do at a park. They soon settled on a bench and shooed Dirk away to figure it out himself, their fingers intertwined and knees brushing.

  
Dirk stood in front of the couple, watching and talking with them, before wandering off to find a sturdy stick and strip it of bark with his pocketknife. He was a practised martial artist and fencer, having spent a lot of time learning technique from Dave; creating makeshift swords out twigs was practically instinctual for him. He knew Karkat had been a fighter on his home planet, and sometimes would strife with Dave. Surely Karkat would be impressed by such a skillfully crafted stick.

  
He strolled back to the bench, home-made weapon in hand, careful not to get too close and to look away from his guardians, so it wasn't too obvious that he was trying to show off. He began to swing the stick over his shoulders, bringing it down sharply and stopping the momentum abruptly when it reached a certain point, as though hitting an invisible target. He imagined ninjas springing from behind the playground, and moved to whack the stick with all his strength against a pole. It promplty snapped in two, leaving him with... a dagger. He continued his game, stabbing fiercly at one of his assailants, and then halting to glance over at his audience.

  
Dave had stretched an arm around Karkat's shoulder, and the troll wasn't even watching. Those large eyes were fixed on the smooth plastic of Dave's shades.  
Dirk tossed the stick to the ground and marched back into the set of trees. How was he supposed to impress Karkat if Dave was talking to him like that? He swung a leg out at one of the trees, side-kicking the bark and then whirled to roundhouse it. Having a crush sucked ass.

  
He sat down under the same tree he'd abused and began to rake his nails through the dirt, racking his head for more ideas. He had limited time, since he only spent weekends with his brother. Every second counted. He thought about the couples on tv, about flowers and chocolates and all that dumb stuff no one really wanted. If he was going to be wooed, he'd want... probably a skateboard. But he wasn't giving anyone his skateboard, not even Karkat, even if he was beautiful. Maybe he could give him a really cool spider form the jungle.

  
So, ninjas defeated and laying dead around the swingset, he set out into the jungle. He ducked under the slide, peering into the crevaces in search of the most perfectly dangerous specimen. Karkat would be so impressed by his bravery, he'd swoon and they'd touch hands together forever.

  
When he did find a spider, it was tiny and fast, skittering over his palm so quickly he almost dropped it while he carried it over to the bench.

  
When he was standing in front of his brother and the person he was pretty sure he was going to marry, he panicked, throwing the spider at Karkat.

  
Karkat shrieked like a girl, and Dirk told him it was okay because the spider wasn't poisonous, and Dave kissed Karkat right on the mouth which was disgusting.  So basically it was another failure.

  
At least he was staying the night.


End file.
